Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’
Just ten days after being sacked by Birmingham City, ex-England star Wayne Rooney already has a new job. However, this time, he’ll be managing a slightly older squad. Rooney is to head up Only Grans, a brand new streaming site that’s catered towards elderly sex workers and their admirers, to help level the playing field for older, less-tech-savvy streamers. Explaining his decision to pursue a … Continue reading Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’
Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia
Al-Ettifaq’s Jordan Henderson is set for a stunning return to European football after successfully ridding Saudi Arabia of its deep-seated homophobia. Alongside ‘growing the game’ within just six months, Henderson’s on-field performances were able to inspire Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to overturn Saudi’s long-standing ban on homosexuality. ‘He plays with such beauty, as soon as I saw him play in that all-action one-all draw … Continue reading Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia
Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season
Tottenham Hotspur secured another outstanding moral victory this evening after losing 4-2 to Brighton and Hove Albion at the Amex Stadium. After falling four-nil down to the South Coast side, Spurs delivered a spirited fightback, pulling two goals back before peppering the Brighton goal for the remainder of the game, sending the Tottenham faithful home happy once again. ‘It felt like a win,’ said one … Continue reading Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season
Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus
Following their four-nil victory over Copa Libertadores winner Fluminense, newly-crowned World Champions Manchester City will now head to the Galactic Club Cup on Venus to compete against the best teams from in and around the galaxy. In their opening game, the Citizens will play neighbours Moon United, with the winner of that tie expected to meet last year’s Galactic champions, Inter Uranus. Speaking on the … Continue reading Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus
Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter
Shocking new evidence has come to light in the past 24 hours linking Chelsea striker Nicolas Jackson to the shooting of 50 Cent. New reports suggest that Jackson fired nine shots into the G Unit rapper’s SUV at close range but failed to finish him off. For many years, now-deceased Mike Tyson associate Darryl ‘Hommo’ Baum, was believed to be the shooter, but police reopened … Continue reading Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter
Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League
Against the backdrop of the latest Super League drama, Sheffield United and Burnley have issued official club statements rejecting the Premier League. The division’s bottom two clubs have vowed to play their football in the EFL Championship next season, with Burnley Alan Pace saying, ‘All Premier League bosses care about is money, money, money, and at Burnley, that’s not something we want to be a … Continue reading Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League
Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League
Following a landmark ruling from the European Court of Justice, A22 Sports Management – the company behind the European Super League – has unveiled plans for a new two-team competition. The league will consist entirely of La Liga’s two most iconic clubs, Real Madrid and Barcelona, who will play each other 32 times per season – with games split between the Bernabeu, the Nou Camp, … Continue reading Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League
Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts
Manchester City have again been handed a plum draw in this season’s UEFA Champions League round of 16, with last season’s treble winners set to face off against Real Betis Féminas’ under-16 side. The young women from Betis will step in for Danish Champions FC Copenhagen, who, despite being deemed the weakest team left in the competition, were not seen as an easy enough opponent … Continue reading Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts
PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game
After appointing Rebecca Welch as the Premier League’s first ever female referee and selecting Sam Allison as their first black official in 15 years, Premier League bosses have taken their diversity drive a step further, placing an unnamed squirrel in charge of this weekend’s tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. The squirrel, found last week in Battersea Park, South London, will be the first non-human official … Continue reading PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game
Ten Hag Forms Alliance With Sunak After Both Men Lose Dressing Rooms
An unlikely alliance has formed between Manchester United Boss Erik Ten Hag and Conservative leader, Rishi Sunak, following a deeply challenging period in which support from their respective camps has waned. ‘I have much sympathy for him,’ Ten Hag told reporters ahead of Sunday’s crunch tie with Liverpool. ‘We have similar objectives. His goal is to stop the boats, and I want to stop shipping … Continue reading Ten Hag Forms Alliance With Sunak After Both Men Lose Dressing Rooms
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