An unlikely alliance has formed between Manchester United Boss Erik Ten Hag and Conservative leader, Rishi Sunak, following a deeply challenging period in which support from their respective camps has waned.

‘I have much sympathy for him,’ Ten Hag told reporters ahead of Sunday’s crunch tie with Liverpool.

‘We have similar objectives. His goal is to stop the boats, and I want to stop shipping goals. Maybe we can help each other,’ before jokingly adding, ‘hopefully I’ll have an easier time than he did with the Hammers next Saturday.’

While the partnership is very much in its infancy, some details have emerged. Tory MPs who displease Sunak will be sent to Manchester for ‘teamwork alignment,’ with the most grievous offenders forced to try fruitlessly to assist Rashford while he lambasts them about free school dinners. Meanwhile, to get another unwanted Dutchman off their books, Donny van de Beek will be loaned to the Tories, and will warm the backbenches for the remainder of the season.

Controversially, the Conservative Party may also become Manchester United’s new sponsor. Exactly what this entails is still under discussion, but the Tories are willing to foot the bill for Old Trafford’s refurbishment on the condition that its nickname is changed to the Theatre of Schemes, while the United Boss may be asked to change his name to Erik Ten Downing.

Similarly, Man Utd squad members that aren’t pulling their weight will learn the dark arts of putting victory above all else and wriggling their way out of embarrassing stories in the press. 

As a final measure, foreign players not deemed worthy of their wages will be sent to Rwanda to live out their days teaching refugees zonal marking.

Initially, Sunak had been approached by Mauricio Pochetino. However, he turned down the Chelsea manager after concerns the two groups were too similar.

‘Two failing, London-based organisations dressed in blue that everyone hates? Each known for being a little bit racist. No one could tell the difference,’ said Sunak when pressed about the rejection.

While the media are calling it ‘squeaky bum time’ for both Ten Hag and Sunak, many close to the embattled pair think they’re all but doomed to fail now they’re both operating out of Europe.