Author: Lee innit

NEWS

ISIS Fail to Strike Despite UCL Goal Frenzy

As the usual suspects littered the scoresheets during a week of goals and unforgettable Champions League action, it was Middle Eastern upstarts ISIS that fired blank, failing to deliver on their strong early promise. Despite bold fighting talk ahead of this week’s quarter-final clashes, ISIS saw their attacks stifled at every turn, leaving their supporters calling for the manager’s head. Under Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s reign, … Continue reading ISIS Fail to Strike Despite UCL Goal Frenzy

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Pogba Lawyers Prepare ‘Performance-Decreasing Drugs’ Defence

Following the announcement of his 4-year ban for doping, Paul Pogba’s legal team are readying a surprise defence tactic in the hopes of clearing the midfielder’s name. According to reports, rather than disputing his adverse samples – which his lawyers believe to be irrefutable, the Frenchman’s legal team will instead claim that doping has negatively affected his on-field performances, therefore nullifying any sporting advantage he … Continue reading Pogba Lawyers Prepare ‘Performance-Decreasing Drugs’ Defence

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Henderson to be Stoned After Forcing Saudi Exit

After forcing a move away from Saudi Arabian club Al-Ettifaq, former Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson is now expected to be stoned. Saudi officials have said they feel no ill towards Henderson, who will now head to the stoner capital of Europe, Amsterdam, to sign with Ajax – trading a sky-high salary for getting sky-high. Henderson will enter into a struggling Ajax team who’ve seemingly been … Continue reading Henderson to be Stoned After Forcing Saudi Exit

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Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

After being charged with breaching Premier League Profitability and Sustainability Rules, Nottingham Forest and Everton will be forced to play the remainder of the season with ten men. Club officials had been expecting a ten-point deduction in line with Everton’s punishment earlier this season. However, after watching Everton successfully navigate their points deduction and escape the relegation zone, Premier League bosses questioned whether the punishment … Continue reading Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

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Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

Just ten days after being sacked by Birmingham City, ex-England star Wayne Rooney already has a new job. However, this time, he’ll be managing a slightly older squad. Rooney is to head up Only Grans, a brand new streaming site that’s catered towards elderly sex workers and their admirers, to help level the playing field for older, less-tech-savvy streamers. Explaining his decision to pursue a … Continue reading Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

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Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

Al-Ettifaq’s Jordan Henderson is set for a stunning return to European football after successfully ridding Saudi Arabia of its deep-seated homophobia. Alongside ‘growing the game’ within just six months, Henderson’s on-field performances were able to inspire Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to overturn Saudi’s long-standing ban on homosexuality. ‘He plays with such beauty, as soon as I saw him play in that all-action one-all draw … Continue reading Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

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Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

Tottenham Hotspur secured another outstanding moral victory this evening after losing 4-2 to Brighton and Hove Albion at the Amex Stadium. After falling four-nil down to the South Coast side, Spurs delivered a spirited fightback, pulling two goals back before peppering the Brighton goal for the remainder of the game, sending the Tottenham faithful home happy once again. ‘It felt like a win,’ said one … Continue reading Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

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Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus

Following their four-nil victory over Copa Libertadores winner Fluminense, newly-crowned World Champions Manchester City will now head to the Galactic Club Cup on Venus to compete against the best teams from in and around the galaxy. In their opening game, the Citizens will play neighbours Moon United, with the winner of that tie expected to meet last year’s Galactic champions, Inter Uranus. Speaking on the … Continue reading Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus

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Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter

Shocking new evidence has come to light in the past 24 hours linking Chelsea striker Nicolas Jackson to the shooting of 50 Cent. New reports suggest that Jackson fired nine shots into the G Unit rapper’s SUV at close range but failed to finish him off. For many years, now-deceased Mike Tyson associate Darryl ‘Hommo’ Baum, was believed to be the shooter, but police reopened … Continue reading Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter

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Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

Against the backdrop of the latest Super League drama, Sheffield United and Burnley have issued official club statements rejecting the Premier League. The division’s bottom two clubs have vowed to play their football in the EFL Championship next season, with Burnley Alan Pace saying, ‘All Premier League bosses care about is money, money, money, and at Burnley, that’s not something we want to be a … Continue reading Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

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