Tag: football

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Pogba Lawyers Prepare ‘Performance-Decreasing Drugs’ Defence

Following the announcement of his 4-year ban for doping, Paul Pogba’s legal team are readying a surprise defence tactic in the hopes of clearing the midfielder’s name. According to reports, rather than disputing his adverse samples – which his lawyers believe to be irrefutable, the Frenchman’s legal team will instead claim that doping has negatively affected his on-field performances, therefore nullifying any sporting advantage he … Continue reading Pogba Lawyers Prepare ‘Performance-Decreasing Drugs’ Defence

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Henderson to be Stoned After Forcing Saudi Exit

After forcing a move away from Saudi Arabian club Al-Ettifaq, former Liverpool captain Jordan Henderson is now expected to be stoned. Saudi officials have said they feel no ill towards Henderson, who will now head to the stoner capital of Europe, Amsterdam, to sign with Ajax – trading a sky-high salary for getting sky-high. Henderson will enter into a struggling Ajax team who’ve seemingly been … Continue reading Henderson to be Stoned After Forcing Saudi Exit

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Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

After being charged with breaching Premier League Profitability and Sustainability Rules, Nottingham Forest and Everton will be forced to play the remainder of the season with ten men. Club officials had been expecting a ten-point deduction in line with Everton’s punishment earlier this season. However, after watching Everton successfully navigate their points deduction and escape the relegation zone, Premier League bosses questioned whether the punishment … Continue reading Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

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Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

Just ten days after being sacked by Birmingham City, ex-England star Wayne Rooney already has a new job. However, this time, he’ll be managing a slightly older squad. Rooney is to head up Only Grans, a brand new streaming site that’s catered towards elderly sex workers and their admirers, to help level the playing field for older, less-tech-savvy streamers. Explaining his decision to pursue a … Continue reading Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

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Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

Al-Ettifaq’s Jordan Henderson is set for a stunning return to European football after successfully ridding Saudi Arabia of its deep-seated homophobia. Alongside ‘growing the game’ within just six months, Henderson’s on-field performances were able to inspire Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to overturn Saudi’s long-standing ban on homosexuality. ‘He plays with such beauty, as soon as I saw him play in that all-action one-all draw … Continue reading Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

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Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

Against the backdrop of the latest Super League drama, Sheffield United and Burnley have issued official club statements rejecting the Premier League. The division’s bottom two clubs have vowed to play their football in the EFL Championship next season, with Burnley Alan Pace saying, ‘All Premier League bosses care about is money, money, money, and at Burnley, that’s not something we want to be a … Continue reading Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

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Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League

Following a landmark ruling from the European Court of Justice, A22 Sports Management – the company behind the European Super League – has unveiled plans for a new two-team competition. The league will consist entirely of La Liga’s two most iconic clubs, Real Madrid and Barcelona, who will play each other 32 times per season – with games split between the Bernabeu, the Nou Camp, … Continue reading Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League

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Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts

Manchester City have again been handed a plum draw in this season’s UEFA Champions League round of 16, with last season’s treble winners set to face off against Real Betis Féminas’ under-16 side. The young women from Betis will step in for Danish Champions FC Copenhagen, who, despite being deemed the weakest team left in the competition, were not seen as an easy enough opponent … Continue reading Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts

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PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

After appointing Rebecca Welch as the Premier League’s first ever female referee and selecting Sam Allison as their first black official in 15 years, Premier League bosses have taken their diversity drive a step further, placing an unnamed squirrel in charge of this weekend’s tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. The squirrel, found last week in Battersea Park, South London, will be the first non-human official … Continue reading PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

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