Tag: football humour

NEWS

ISIS Fail to Strike Despite UCL Goal Frenzy

As the usual suspects littered the scoresheets during a week of goals and unforgettable Champions League action, it was Middle Eastern upstarts ISIS that fired blank, failing to deliver on their strong early promise. Despite bold fighting talk ahead of this week’s quarter-final clashes, ISIS saw their attacks stifled at every turn, leaving their supporters calling for the manager’s head. Under Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi’s reign, … Continue reading ISIS Fail to Strike Despite UCL Goal Frenzy

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Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

Against the backdrop of the latest Super League drama, Sheffield United and Burnley have issued official club statements rejecting the Premier League. The division’s bottom two clubs have vowed to play their football in the EFL Championship next season, with Burnley Alan Pace saying, ‘All Premier League bosses care about is money, money, money, and at Burnley, that’s not something we want to be a … Continue reading Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

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Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League

Following a landmark ruling from the European Court of Justice, A22 Sports Management – the company behind the European Super League – has unveiled plans for a new two-team competition. The league will consist entirely of La Liga’s two most iconic clubs, Real Madrid and Barcelona, who will play each other 32 times per season – with games split between the Bernabeu, the Nou Camp, … Continue reading Barcelona and Real Madrid to Form Two-Team Super League

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Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts

Manchester City have again been handed a plum draw in this season’s UEFA Champions League round of 16, with last season’s treble winners set to face off against Real Betis Féminas’ under-16 side. The young women from Betis will step in for Danish Champions FC Copenhagen, who, despite being deemed the weakest team left in the competition, were not seen as an easy enough opponent … Continue reading Man City Draw Real Betis Féminas U-16s in Champions League Knockouts

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PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

After appointing Rebecca Welch as the Premier League’s first ever female referee and selecting Sam Allison as their first black official in 15 years, Premier League bosses have taken their diversity drive a step further, placing an unnamed squirrel in charge of this weekend’s tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. The squirrel, found last week in Battersea Park, South London, will be the first non-human official … Continue reading PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

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Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

A furious row broke out Saturday evening between Sheffield United owner Prince Abdullah and soon-to-be-ex-manager Paul Heckingbottom. Following Saturday’s five-nil humbling at the hands of fellow relegation battlers, Burnley, Blades owner Prince Abdullah informed manager Paul Heckingbottom that he’s likely to be sacked as soon as they find a suitable replacement. Heckingbottom, apoplectic with the decision, directed a furious tirade at Prince Abdullah and the … Continue reading Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

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Southgate’s World Cup Plans in Ruins as Fifth-Choice Right-Back Quits

England manager Gareth Southgate was reportedly left blindsided by Tariq Lamptey’s decision to switch nationality after the Brighton right-back announced his decision to represent Ghana. According to sources inside the England camp, Lamptey was viewed as an essential component within Southgate’s pioneering new eight right-back system which is set to debut at this year’s Qatar World Cup. Alongside Kyle Walker, Reece James, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Aaron … Continue reading Southgate’s World Cup Plans in Ruins as Fifth-Choice Right-Back Quits

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Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die. Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their … Continue reading Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

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LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

The LMA has issued a joint statement on behalf of all of its members, turning down the vacant managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. Following a succession of failed talks with the likes of Julian Nagelsmann, Brendan Rodgers, Hans-Dieter Flick, Erik ten Hag, Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Conte, Paulo Fonseca, Gennaro Gattuso, Ted Lasso, Mike Bassett, and Alan Partridge, the trade union, which represents Premier League, EFL … Continue reading LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

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