Tag: football satire

NEWS

Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

The UK’s leading hooligan firms are discussing outlawing headbutts during fights, as evidence emerges it could contribute to Alzheimer’s. ‘It’s tough,’ said ‘Big Dave’ Fensom, The Chelsea Headhunters Head Headbutting Coach. ‘Thing is right, I’ve spent years training our mob to land the perfect nut. But, we’ve seen a few of the old boys start losing it a bit, and the doctors reckon butting heads … Continue reading Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

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NEWS

Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

After being charged with breaching Premier League Profitability and Sustainability Rules, Nottingham Forest and Everton will be forced to play the remainder of the season with ten men. Club officials had been expecting a ten-point deduction in line with Everton’s punishment earlier this season. However, after watching Everton successfully navigate their points deduction and escape the relegation zone, Premier League bosses questioned whether the punishment … Continue reading Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

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NEWS

Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

Just ten days after being sacked by Birmingham City, ex-England star Wayne Rooney already has a new job. However, this time, he’ll be managing a slightly older squad. Rooney is to head up Only Grans, a brand new streaming site that’s catered towards elderly sex workers and their admirers, to help level the playing field for older, less-tech-savvy streamers. Explaining his decision to pursue a … Continue reading Wayne Rooney Launches New Venture ‘Only Grans’

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NEWS

Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

Al-Ettifaq’s Jordan Henderson is set for a stunning return to European football after successfully ridding Saudi Arabia of its deep-seated homophobia. Alongside ‘growing the game’ within just six months, Henderson’s on-field performances were able to inspire Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman to overturn Saudi’s long-standing ban on homosexuality. ‘He plays with such beauty, as soon as I saw him play in that all-action one-all draw … Continue reading Henderson to Leave Saudi After Solving Homophobia

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NEWS

Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

Tottenham Hotspur secured another outstanding moral victory this evening after losing 4-2 to Brighton and Hove Albion at the Amex Stadium. After falling four-nil down to the South Coast side, Spurs delivered a spirited fightback, pulling two goals back before peppering the Brighton goal for the remainder of the game, sending the Tottenham faithful home happy once again. ‘It felt like a win,’ said one … Continue reading Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

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NEWS

PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

After appointing Rebecca Welch as the Premier League’s first ever female referee and selecting Sam Allison as their first black official in 15 years, Premier League bosses have taken their diversity drive a step further, placing an unnamed squirrel in charge of this weekend’s tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. The squirrel, found last week in Battersea Park, South London, will be the first non-human official … Continue reading PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

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NEWS

Southgate’s World Cup Plans in Ruins as Fifth-Choice Right-Back Quits

England manager Gareth Southgate was reportedly left blindsided by Tariq Lamptey’s decision to switch nationality after the Brighton right-back announced his decision to represent Ghana. According to sources inside the England camp, Lamptey was viewed as an essential component within Southgate’s pioneering new eight right-back system which is set to debut at this year’s Qatar World Cup. Alongside Kyle Walker, Reece James, Trent Alexander-Arnold, Aaron … Continue reading Southgate’s World Cup Plans in Ruins as Fifth-Choice Right-Back Quits

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LOCKER ROOM

Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

From The Simpsons to South Park, The Total FootBull team have designed a series of football kits inspired by your favourite television shows. Drop us a comment below and let us know your favourite… Look out for part two next week, where we’ll be taking on The Office, Friends, and a few more of your on-screen favourites. Continue reading Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

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