Tag: Premier League

NEWS

Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

The UK’s leading hooligan firms are discussing outlawing headbutts during fights, as evidence emerges it could contribute to Alzheimer’s. ‘It’s tough,’ said ‘Big Dave’ Fensom, The Chelsea Headhunters Head Headbutting Coach. ‘Thing is right, I’ve spent years training our mob to land the perfect nut. But, we’ve seen a few of the old boys start losing it a bit, and the doctors reckon butting heads … Continue reading Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

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Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

After being charged with breaching Premier League Profitability and Sustainability Rules, Nottingham Forest and Everton will be forced to play the remainder of the season with ten men. Club officials had been expecting a ten-point deduction in line with Everton’s punishment earlier this season. However, after watching Everton successfully navigate their points deduction and escape the relegation zone, Premier League bosses questioned whether the punishment … Continue reading Everton and Forest to Be Deducted a Player for Remainder of Season

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NEWS

Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

Tottenham Hotspur secured another outstanding moral victory this evening after losing 4-2 to Brighton and Hove Albion at the Amex Stadium. After falling four-nil down to the South Coast side, Spurs delivered a spirited fightback, pulling two goals back before peppering the Brighton goal for the remainder of the game, sending the Tottenham faithful home happy once again. ‘It felt like a win,’ said one … Continue reading Tottenham Secure 5th Moral Victory of the Season

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NEWS

Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus

Following their four-nil victory over Copa Libertadores winner Fluminense, newly-crowned World Champions Manchester City will now head to the Galactic Club Cup on Venus to compete against the best teams from in and around the galaxy. In their opening game, the Citizens will play neighbours Moon United, with the winner of that tie expected to meet last year’s Galactic champions, Inter Uranus. Speaking on the … Continue reading Man City Head to Galactic Club Cup, Face Inter Uranus

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NEWS

Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter

Shocking new evidence has come to light in the past 24 hours linking Chelsea striker Nicolas Jackson to the shooting of 50 Cent. New reports suggest that Jackson fired nine shots into the G Unit rapper’s SUV at close range but failed to finish him off. For many years, now-deceased Mike Tyson associate Darryl ‘Hommo’ Baum, was believed to be the shooter, but police reopened … Continue reading Nicolas Jackson Unveiled as 50 Cent Shooter

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NEWS

Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

Against the backdrop of the latest Super League drama, Sheffield United and Burnley have issued official club statements rejecting the Premier League. The division’s bottom two clubs have vowed to play their football in the EFL Championship next season, with Burnley Alan Pace saying, ‘All Premier League bosses care about is money, money, money, and at Burnley, that’s not something we want to be a … Continue reading Sheffield United and Burnley Reject Premier League

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PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

After appointing Rebecca Welch as the Premier League’s first ever female referee and selecting Sam Allison as their first black official in 15 years, Premier League bosses have taken their diversity drive a step further, placing an unnamed squirrel in charge of this weekend’s tie between Manchester United and Liverpool. The squirrel, found last week in Battersea Park, South London, will be the first non-human official … Continue reading PGMOL Select Squirrel to Referee Premier League Game

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Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

A furious row broke out Saturday evening between Sheffield United owner Prince Abdullah and soon-to-be-ex-manager Paul Heckingbottom. Following Saturday’s five-nil humbling at the hands of fellow relegation battlers, Burnley, Blades owner Prince Abdullah informed manager Paul Heckingbottom that he’s likely to be sacked as soon as they find a suitable replacement. Heckingbottom, apoplectic with the decision, directed a furious tirade at Prince Abdullah and the … Continue reading Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

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Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die. Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their … Continue reading Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

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