NEWS

Roy Keane SLAMS Wife’s Performance in Bed

A characteristically scathing Roy Keane has critically analysed a disappointing sexual encounter with his wife on Thursday evening. The outburst took place during a live recording of what was supposed to be analysis of Liverpool’s Saturday showdown with Leicester.

‘There was no passion, no drive, no hunger,’ began the former Ireland international, speaking from the Sky Sports studio as an alarmed Micah Richards and David Jones watched on. ‘After more than 20 years of experience, you never imagine you’ll see a performance like that. The least you expect is a little bit of movement in the box.’ 

‘A big of sluggishness can be expected on a wet playing surface, but sometimes it was like she didn’t know what position she was supposed to be in.’

Despite Jones’s attempts to bring the conversation back to Leicester’s defending from set plays, Keane pushed forward with his tirade, uninterested in the endless debate about zonal vs man marking. ‘And what’s with all this kissing and hugging? Back in my day you just disappeared down the tunnel and went home.’

Richards, sniffing an opportunity to further enrage his fellow pundit, gently reminded him that his wife Theresa has lost a yard or two. In typical fashion, Keane rounded on Richards, telling him that his wife had a job to do and that she can’t keep living off past triumphs.

‘I learnt that the hard way with United.’

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