Tag: spoof football

NEWS

Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

The UK’s leading hooligan firms are discussing outlawing headbutts during fights, as evidence emerges it could contribute to Alzheimer’s. ‘It’s tough,’ said ‘Big Dave’ Fensom, The Chelsea Headhunters Head Headbutting Coach. ‘Thing is right, I’ve spent years training our mob to land the perfect nut. But, we’ve seen a few of the old boys start losing it a bit, and the doctors reckon butting heads … Continue reading Hooligans Consider Headbutt Ban Amidst Dementia Concerns

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NEWS

Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

A furious row broke out Saturday evening between Sheffield United owner Prince Abdullah and soon-to-be-ex-manager Paul Heckingbottom. Following Saturday’s five-nil humbling at the hands of fellow relegation battlers, Burnley, Blades owner Prince Abdullah informed manager Paul Heckingbottom that he’s likely to be sacked as soon as they find a suitable replacement. Heckingbottom, apoplectic with the decision, directed a furious tirade at Prince Abdullah and the … Continue reading Blades Manager Told ‘We’re Hecking Bottom’ after Questioning Axe

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NEWS

Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

Chelsea’s clash with Brighton and Hove Albion WILL go ahead despite a devastating outbreak of the bubonic plague. The rare but highly-infectious disease has left 16 players, as well as six members of Chelsea’s coaching staff, hospitalised, with at least four expected to die. Chelsea filed a request over the weekend asking for Tuesday night’s tie to be postponed. However, Premier League bosses rejected their … Continue reading Brighton vs Chelsea to Go Ahead Despite Bubonic Plague Outbreak

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NEWS

LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

The LMA has issued a joint statement on behalf of all of its members, turning down the vacant managerial position at Tottenham Hotspur. Following a succession of failed talks with the likes of Julian Nagelsmann, Brendan Rodgers, Hans-Dieter Flick, Erik ten Hag, Mauricio Pochettino, Antonio Conte, Paulo Fonseca, Gennaro Gattuso, Ted Lasso, Mike Bassett, and Alan Partridge, the trade union, which represents Premier League, EFL … Continue reading LMA Issue Statement on Behalf of All Managers, Collectively Rejecting the Spurs Job

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LOCKER ROOM

Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

From The Simpsons to South Park, The Total FootBull team have designed a series of football kits inspired by your favourite television shows. Drop us a comment below and let us know your favourite… Look out for part two next week, where we’ll be taking on The Office, Friends, and a few more of your on-screen favourites. Continue reading Kits Inspired by Your Favourite TV Shows (Part 1)

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NEWS

Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

Following his harsh criticism of Callum Hudson-Odoi and Tammy Abraham after Saturday’s 1-1 draw with Southampton, Chelsea coach Thomas Tuchel has taken things a step further, hosting a no holds barred Comedy Central-style roast of his Chelsea squad. As the players arrived at Chelsea’s Cobham training ground on Monday morning, they were led towards the canteen area where multiple rows of chairs had been set … Continue reading Tuchel Takes Player Criticism Step Further, Hosts Comedy Roast of Chelsea Squad

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NEWS

Roy Keane SLAMS Wife’s Performance in Bed

A characteristically scathing Roy Keane has critically analysed a disappointing sexual encounter with his wife on Thursday evening. The outburst took place during a live recording of what was supposed to be analysis of Liverpool’s Saturday showdown with Leicester. ‘There was no passion, no drive, no hunger,’ began the former Ireland international, speaking from the Sky Sports studio as an alarmed Micah Richards and David … Continue reading Roy Keane SLAMS Wife’s Performance in Bed

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NEWS

Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

Following Saturday’s late-game collapse against Leicester, Liverpool goalkeeper Alisson has been diagnosed with Kepatitis. The Liverpool backroom team sought expert medical opinion after another blunder from their star stopper; the Brazilian has now made 7 errors leading to goals since joining the club back in 2018. The condition was first discovered by the Chelsea medical staff last season after goalkeeper Kepa Arrizabalaga forgot how to … Continue reading Alisson Diagnosed With Kepatitis

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NEWS

Saliba Records Mikel Arteta Diss Track – EXCLUSIVE SNIPPET

Arsenal loanee William Saliba is back at it again. Following his controversial interview with French outlet RMC, during which Saliba criticised Arsenal boss Mikel Arteta, the French centre-back has escalated tensions further by recording a Mikel Arteta diss track. Last week Saliba told press: ‘He [Arteta] judged me on two and a half matches. I would have liked for him to play me more. But … Continue reading Saliba Records Mikel Arteta Diss Track – EXCLUSIVE SNIPPET

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